In
a time where female empowerment has become such a prolific and
important conversation, we are asked as women and men to consider our
roles in the depreciating, destructive and heavily sexualized
attitudes that exist so predominantly within our society. This moment
in our cultural liberality and expression of the self makes authors
such as Clarissa Pinkola Estés important figure to consult in regard
to our preconceived and socially ingrained attitudes towards our
selves and the relationships within our lives. Estés’
psychoanalytical text ‘Women Who Run With Wolves: Contacting the
Power of the Wild Woman’ was first published in 1992 and looks at
the relationship between folktale and attitudes around the female
figure. The author encourages us to ‘secure this wildest
relationship’ (5) through our ability to look ‘deep [within]
female psyche’ (4) in order to find our instinctual power centre
that has long been ‘buried by over-domestication’ (5) in the
cultural roles women have been tailored and confined to fulfilling.
The
concept of the ‘Wild Woman’ is a creative, feminine and strong
maternal figure that thrives on its instinctual nature, and as
readers provokes us to look within ourselves for a sense of
direction, self-confidence and purpose that is born out of our
ability to look within and appreciate what we find beyond the
constraints placed on us by our gender, class, and race. Only then
can we unleash ourselves and allow our ‘creative lives [to]
blossom’ (4). What we find through this self-reflexivity is the
potential to be creatures that breed beauty through our creative and
nurturing power as human beings. Estés claims she uses the word
‘wild’ in ‘its original sense, which means to live a natural
life, one in which the creature, has innate integrity and healthy
boundaries.’ (6) Meaning as women we must find ourselves aside from
what our society tells us to be and instead look within. Only through
introspection can we understand the beauty of ourselves and of what
we deserve. It is a hard journey to make and at times both women and
men have been made to believe by our surrounding culture that we must
fit into a ‘type’ of personality, look, or possess particular
attributes in order to have a successful relationship with a partner,
attain a job role or become a parental ideal. Unfortunately, this
only buries us under a mask provided by society, asking us to cover
ourselves, remain quiet and be obedient.
Across
the 20th-21st January weekend, we saw a collective embodiment of this
wild woman archetype as many incredible women took a bold stand for
equality at various marches across the globe – starting with the
#WomensMarchLA and all the way to our own city as people took to the
streets as part of #WomensMarchLondon. With all our actions and
attitudes we are not only fighting for ourselves, but we are fighting
for every self. Being a strong woman who knows her beautiful value
and sets herself strongly in her opinions is not only making a change
to her own livelihood but to all those men and women surrounding.
Each and everyone of us is an important figure in this discussion
within our societies, in Estés’ words this movement and
empowerment of the wild woman will ‘cause women to remember who
they are and what they are about’ (6) beyond the definitions of
society as ‘the tracks we are following are those of the wild and
innate instinctual Self.’ (4) The discussion has begun regarding
what these oppressive attitudes have done to us as humans, making us
believe in gendered stereotypes of both the masculine and feminine,
only to shame us for not fully conforming to these rigid and
backdated roles. It is natural as our society progresses, so should
our attitudes towards gender and sexuality continue to enrich and
abandon epithets that only demoralize us as humans rather encourage
us to embrace our natural fluidity. As a society, we ‘lead women
deeper, and more deeply still, into their own knowing’ (Estés, 6)
and will only continue to do so.
Sometimes
these outlines imposed on us are not so obvious, they can come from
people we care deeply about and we may happen to adopt them
subconsciously in order to satisfy someone else’s ideal. For
example, when a partner imposes an opinion that goes against your
natural habits or thoughts, such as saying ‘why are you wearing
makeup, you would look far better if you didn’t paint that on’ or
‘you don’t look like you are dressed to go to the library, maybe
you should change out of that skirt and put some jeans on’. What
these comments have in common is the negative emphasis on someone
else’s action or choice. These comments have a greater, more
damaging psychological effect than we would initially believe. In
fact, they are creating doubt within our self-assurance as
individuals. Are these phrases not deprecating to one's self-worth?
Does it not create doubt within our confidence, mind, and spirit?
Each remark of its kind chips away from the way you can see yourself
and how you imagine others to view you. Instead, these comments
become ingrained thoughts that reoccur, although we may choose not to
actively change, over time our mind becomes insecure with the idea of
doing things that came so naturally to us before. For instance, the
usage of makeup may become subtle or even stop altogether. Clothing
choice may become tailored to avoid judgment from the significant
other. The biggest paradox of it all, a victim in this situation may
begin to feel they must become a version worthy of the person they
are with, in essence molding them further away from the true Self and
into a shell of a person their partner tells them they wished they
could be. The result of this is an incredible amount of self-doubt
that leaves the victim withered and seeking reassurance in the arms
of the perpetrator, the very person who is destroying them.
Dr.
Ramani Durvasula’s book ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go? Surviving
a Relationship with a Narcissist’ acknowledges it can take some
time to recognize psychological abuse, especially in a relationship,
whether that be with a romantic partner, friend or family member.
Reoccurring unwanted comments about dietary preferences, appearance,
intellectual knowledge (or countless other things) can leave one
questioning their value and knock confidence levels significantly.
According to Dr. Durvasula, this can leave someone vulnerable to
manipulation and co-dependency that only enacts further damage by
seeking out reassurance through the opinion of another. It is
important for us to see what is wrong with such behaviour, whether it
is through the eyes of someone experiencing it or someone who is
unconsciously inflicting psychological damage. Toxic relationships
can pull you beneath the surface, leaving you to drown if you are not
too careful, but remember it is never too late to cut the weight that
has been pulling you down. Trust your instinct. Trust that you
deserve better. You can swim up to safety where so many people who
care about you will be there to give you all the help you may need,
as you make the journey back towards your instinctual self. An
important lesson I learned from Estés’ text is that the ‘Wild
Woman’ is one who embraces everything she is, gains a power over
herself that no one else can extinguish, and only once she reaches
this pinnacle moment can she 'know instinctively when things must die
and when things must live; know[ing] how to walk away, [and]
know[ing] how to stay’ (6).
If
you believe you may be in a toxic and threating relationship please
contact the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline:
0808 2000 247.
References:
Durvasula, R. (2015). Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist. Post Hill Press.
Estés,
C. (2008). Women
Who Run with The Wolves.
London: Rider.
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