Love Sucks, Let's Talk

For this month’s article I had written words upon words on quite a serious, but nevertheless positively progressing, topic along the lines of “how to care for your sad friends”. And we often do find ourselves sad, sometimes miserable. It physically bothered me that there was so much to complain about, ramble into, and even expose. So, I targeted the cause of all this distress that was around me. 

More than ever you find that there’s a reoccurring dread that appears once/twice every 2 weeks amongst someone in your circle - if not you. 

And the cause of it? A fickle situation that arises between two obsessed lovers, probably. 

Welcome to teenage relationships. The existential dread of “how will my older brother react to you” mixed with that tinge of “I would totally disown my family for you” alongside “please don’t cheat on me”. It’s all very hectic, very hyper, very delusional. It’s true what we’ve been told. This new age has shifted love and what we should perceive as love under one universal barrier. Like this Poundland umbrella that rarely does its job and that too in rare circumstances, and even then, it’s standards can’t even cover enough people. The truth is, every relationship is different - and so is everyone’s stance on what they want in a relationship. 

Because of this, it’s hard to identify what love is really made up of. 

We can identify the very basics: 
• Respect 
• Trust 
• Fascination with each other’s personalities
• Interest in each other’s...faces 

And then from here onwards we branch into several personal individual categories, ranking importance in each brain of every person scanning for a potential partner. The extracurricular categories, much like after school programs, never really mean as much in the end as anyone tells you. 

But you see, in the beginning, when everything is fresh and warm it’s easy to muddle up confused feelings with the new-born reality of being in a relationship (that is supposed to consist of respect. And understanding. And trust). I could see a slice of pizza being eaten by the man I love and convince myself that, damn, I’ll never be as hot as that slice there. You really start to question simple observations by weaving them into everyone, even if they aren’t there. 

See, none of it even coincides with logic. You’d like to think that, like you see in the romance movies, it’s as easy as finding your lover and obsessing over them. Until your undying passion for one another smacks you into writing love letters (or a snapchat conversation?) But that’s not the point or the way anything works; the point is, our entire understanding right now of what love is supposed to be and what it’s supposed to consist of is so limited that we can’t protect our friends or ourselves entirely from petty relationship arguments. 

We can’t tell our friends to leave their lover because they keep comparing themselves to his liked photos on Instagram. 

But what you can do is be there to point out the red flags, for you and for others. 

It’s so incredibly easy to get caught up in a situation where you’re giving your all and receiving nothing but neglect in return - unless you’re wanted sexually, which is a whole other quarter that we must discuss so big up all the parents of colour that made it so hard for us to do so. It’s so simple to turn a seemingly healthy relationship into a situation that remains because of familiarity. 

Damn, sometimes you just fall out of love and there’s no poetic way of phrasing that. 

And just like all the toxicity around our lives, when it comes to light it needs you to deal with it. 

So, when you’re sad over your love. Your ex-love. Your cheating love. Your lack of love. 

Remember this: 
• you are a whole, entire person with or without an accompanying human being. 
• even though you’re hurting, you’re still alive and so you’re doing so well. 
•  there is help there for any kind of problem. For any kind of severity. There are people out there who feel in the capacity you feel. There are people who want you to help you to understand what you feel. 

I apologise if this entire mess of words feels nothing but a prolonged rambling to you but that’s exactly the point. We’ve this let ourselves drown in this buttery idea of simplicity, that to be in love only consists of mutual feeling. This month happens to be the month of teenage relationship abuse awareness. But as it ends, I wanted to ask the people around me, all as clueless as each other, a few questions upon the realm of relationships. 

And here are a few things that stuck with me: 

Today’s relationships feel like the desire for constant gratification but intense imbalance. But our requirements for a person are so precise, that compromise feels deadly. The generation above us, our parents and their companions, see failed marriages because of laziness in active participation to make things better. If there’s anything we’ve learnt, it’s to burn the traditions of putting up with a man’s incompetence so that we can sit in our warm pools of familiarity. If there’s anything we’ve learnt, it’s to speak up when a situation arises. 

And my favourite: 

Love is a burning fire, but the fire is the person you’re in love with and they’re also the water to put the fire out with. 

Stay safe, in all domains of your relationships. 

Until next month,

⁃ t

The ConveHERsation is the digital platform for Women Of Power UK

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