We
have all been there- that midlife crisis (even though you haven’t
even reached your midlife) You find yourself single, everyone around
you is getting married or having children or they’ve emigrated to a
completely new country as they seek liberation from their life. And
although you’re not bitter about everyone else’s success in their
personal life you can’t help but feel- why does it never work out
for me. And many of us women do – (I certainly know I do) you
question what is wrong with you. Often enough me personally I always
think it was down to my appearance ‘oh, I am too fat, or I am too
ugly that’s why no one wants me’ – but since when in today’s
society has an average size 8/10 who is relatively okay looking fat
and ugly. I mean beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I’ve seen
some pretty beautiful things go for some very questionable beholders.
I
grew up in a fairly traditional family with older siblings whom I am
still very close to. My parents both first generation Indians moved
to the UK for a better life. I am extremely grateful for everything
that my parents have done for me- they encouraged me to be the person
I am today. Growing up in a traditional family the rules were set- no
boyfriends, the prime focus was education, you couldn’t hang around
with anyone outside the house (I am not sure whether this is just an
Asian thing but we were pretty much taught everyone is out to get)
and the most obvious no sex before marriage.
I
spent the majority of my childhood being the chubby one with the
pretty face who people assumed was very bubbly – okay I was bubbly
but that’s because I was(actually I am still believe I am) funny.
People assumed this because I was overweight. Now if you’re reading
this and you relate to the next bit trust me there are so many of us
out there. I was the fat friend whose best friend was a peitie,
naturally beautiful girl. She was the girl who had the first
boyfriend, the girl who got every guy she wanted even the guys I
wanted. I on the other hand looked like a middle aged 13 year old who
still had residues of my bleached moustache. Yes of course, the
moustache- having fair skin and dark hair I was bound to have a
moustache as if God didn’t make my life difficult enough he gave me
a moustache. And you know what the crazy thing was I had a better
moustache than my brothers- I still think they had moustache envy. So
that sums up my childhood I spent it in books, removing facial/body
hair and trying to find ways to make myself attractive whilst dealing
with these painful insecurities. I kind of got used to the idea that
I would never be able to get the guy I wanted physically. But I was
quite a popular kid- again down to my amazing personality or maybe
the cool kids just needed me to do their homework.
During
university, I finally decided to do something about my weight. Over
the summer I lost weight I focused and trained hard and lost the
weight. Once I finished university – my beautiful best friend had
already been told that she would be getting married so her parents
were now on the case to find her a husband. Within the year she was
married to a guy a lot older than her but too this day she is happy
and still one of my great friends- she has two beautiful kids. Me on
the other hand I still was not ready to settle down but my parents
had started to discuss the prospect of marriage. I decided that maybe
this was the best time to start looking.
During
this period I ended up falling for a guy who I knew my family would
never be able to accept so I spent a year seeing this guy- a hidden
romance. (which I believe many of you have all had) I believe this
guy was the only person that truly had real feelings towards me. He
cared about me enough to let me go. He told me- I would never ask you
to give up your family for me. Eventually I will just be a memory to
you and you will forget me. And he was right years have passed and I
think back and I truly am glad he has found an amazing girl and is
married with a child.
After
this emotional experience I decided it was time to move forward there
were always guys around I mean come on every girl has guys that are
around sniffing but you would never go there even as a last resort.
So the semi arranged marriage process started. I was introduced to
all of these dating sites. Being from the Asian community people
would talk they would make recommendations but within the Asian
families there is too much politics and people do not want to see
other people ahead. Now I am not trying to be mean or hateful and
trust me I cannot talk because I myself am no oil painting- but the
calibre of men on these dating sites and their profiles there was a
reason why they were single (harsh I know, I apologise)
So
here it began the years of dating and speaking to guys upon guys upon
guys. Now the first guy I met he was I say this again, the perfect
guy- I should have just dated this guy because I truly believe I
would have been married with kids and very happy. He was a training
GP he was tall dark handsome but he was the first guy I met. In my
mind I thought oh don’t worry about it you can do so much better
than this guy. He was sad when I told him I didn’t want to meet him
again I should have taken that as a hint and stuck it out but no i
thought I was Angelina Jolie and could find Brad Pitt – My dad has
always said to me- you should always be with someone who wants you
more than you want them.
After
this my luck in the dating world was set to just be one disastrous
occasion after the other. The constant ‘oh you’re so pretty and
such a lovely person I cannot believe you are single’ was a
consistent and to this day a consistent phrase I hear. There are so
many stories I could tell you right now, and my friends who have the
unlucky fate of listening to these stories tell me how I should write
a book. But who wants to write a book about their failed romances
right? Well I am writing a blog piece maybe one day I’ll bring
myself to writing a book. I thought my luck was set to change when I
met a guy who I was dating for a few months he was a dentist, not the
best-looking guy but he was funny then suddenly he turned around and
told me he wasn’t into me like he should be but two weeks later
told me I would be his biggest regret – but by then it was far too
late. When I look back and think about the guys that I met more than
two or three times – I really was trying to just settle with anyone
that would take me. I realise now that I just wanted to be married
and have kids even if this meant being with the wrong person
Now
anyone who has or is going through this can truly relate six years of
looking for someone on and off it gets tiring. The rejection, the
having to reject people gets tiresome. I thought it was all set to
change when I met someone naturally on a night out- I knew of him
before but I never thought of him in that way- everything seemed to
be good but what I realised was that he was interested in
companionship but not commitment and this is where I would truly ruin
myself. Falling for a guy who was never there and was never ready to
give me what I was giving for him. Every time I tried to walk away
from me he would tell me it was more than what it was he just had a
lot going on but this was for the long run and being the person, I am
I would believe in. During the time we would stop speaking I would
start trying to date but no one came into my life that I clicked
with.
I
tried something new I moved to the big smoke – I thought living
here would allow me to meet new people it would allow me to meet my
prince charming but I was still painfully shy and I found it
uncomfortable when guys would approach me so I always ensured I
surrounded myself with my guy friends to avoid this. When I would go
out to the club or to bars I would get all the attention in the world
but I was emotionally unavailable and broken. I was now at the point
where I just wanted a guy who was really good looking I just wanted
to make the ‘ex’ jealous. It didn’t matter what his personality
was like. I am pretty sure I am not the only woman who has thought
like this – but this is the worst thing you can do. When you are
thinking like that you will never get over your ex because you will
always be looking for ways to get one over on him at the cost of your
own happiness.
Again,
I went and still sometimes do go back to ‘ I am not good enough,
Maybe I am supposed to be single, maybe there isn’t someone out
there for me’ But of the numerous men that I have met and the 100’s
I have spoken to – I never really clicked with any. Yes, there were
some who I had a laugh with but really I just didn’t feel anything.
But what really these experiences taught me or made me realise is
that I never really loved myself. I have always thought that I am not
good enough and with the constant rejection, the constant meeting the
wrong guys left me wounded and with an extremely low self-esteem. The
relationship (if you can call it that) left me even more vulnerable
than what I already was because this was now someone I really wanted
and even he rejected me.
Being
from an Asian background I still constantly get the why are you not
married- people in the family now assume I’m either a lesbian or a
feminist (who hates men) or both. I am not a lesbian and I am all for
woman empowerment but the reality is I haven’t met the right guy.
But trying to explain that to first generation Indian aunties and
uncles is the more difficult than trying to teach them English. But
it was easy in their day they did not have options they met their
partners on the wedding day and you just made it work- as my mum
would say ‘they learnt to love the other person’
A week ago (the guy who I refer to as the one that ruined me) I
finally found the strength to let him go but properly this time- and
this time he did the same he told me he feared commitment. At first,
I was annoyed hurt and angry because all the times I let him go and
he would string me along – but this time he was different. All in
all, it made me realise so many of us accept being around for people
who do not deserve us. We remain in situations like this because we
want to fit in the social norm- we want to get married have kids- we
want the life our best friends have (the ones who seem to have
everything) We want what everyone has- we let people in who have
ulterior motives because we are scared that we will be left on the
shelf. This is where we go wrong..
The
truth is; you truly need to love yourself and appreciate the beauty
of being alive in this moment of time. Being 30 and single in fact
being whatever age you are and being single is nothing to be afraid
of. And society is changing- people are getting married later having
kids later, so you we are not alone. Everyone’s journey in life is
different. Having self-love is the most important thing and then
everything else follows. My friends often joke to me the stories I
can tell of all the guys I have met that I ought to write a book-
when you meet so many people you do often question is it you, surely
you can’t have been looking for so long and for it not to work. But
then as a spiritual woman I truly believe that nothing happens before
it’s time. There is someone out there for me and I will not give up
the quest to find him no matter how many more trolls I must meet in
the interim.
So
this is a message to all the women who have been hurt or broken or
are feeling the pressures of having to settle down, if this is
something you truly want IT WILL HAPPEN. Focus on other aspects of
bettering your life- nothing is more attractive than a woman who
knows who she is and what she wants therefore be happy and proud of
the person you are, Love the person you are for all your flaws. You
have made it this far in your journey of life what’s a few more
weeks, months even years I mean you cannot put a time limit on a
decision you will make for the rest of your life. And when you feel
down about all the rejections or the guys you have rejected and the
times you have got your heart broken think about this cliché- Life
is short! No one knows what will happen in the next minute let alone
the next day. So go out and live your life embrace the pain, take the
risk but most importantly love life, love yourself and be proud of
who you are as you my darling are amazing just the way you are (Bruno
mars fan alert) no matter what side of 30 you are
 You find yourself single, everyone around y...){kind=link}
Post a Comment