The Wrong Side Of 30

We have all been there- that midlife crisis (even though you haven’t even reached your midlife) You find yourself single, everyone around you is getting married or having children or they’ve emigrated to a completely new country as they seek liberation from their life. And although you’re not bitter about everyone else’s success in their personal life you can’t help but feel- why does it never work out for me. And many of us women do – (I certainly know I do) you question what is wrong with you. Often enough me personally I always think it was down to my appearance ‘oh, I am too fat, or I am too ugly that’s why no one wants me’ – but since when in today’s society has an average size 8/10 who is relatively okay looking fat and ugly. I mean beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I’ve seen some pretty beautiful things go for some very questionable beholders.
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I grew up in a fairly traditional family with older siblings whom I am still very close to. My parents both first generation Indians moved to the UK for a better life. I am extremely grateful for everything that my parents have done for me- they encouraged me to be the person I am today. Growing up in a traditional family the rules were set- no boyfriends, the prime focus was education, you couldn’t hang around with anyone outside the house (I am not sure whether this is just an Asian thing but we were pretty much taught everyone is out to get) and the most obvious no sex before marriage.
I spent the majority of my childhood being the chubby one with the pretty face who people assumed was very bubbly – okay I was bubbly but that’s because I was(actually I am still believe I am) funny. People assumed this because I was overweight. Now if you’re reading this and you relate to the next bit trust me there are so many of us out there. I was the fat friend whose best friend was a peitie, naturally beautiful girl. She was the girl who had the first boyfriend, the girl who got every guy she wanted even the guys I wanted. I on the other hand looked like a middle aged 13 year old who still had residues of my bleached moustache. Yes of course, the moustache- having fair skin and dark hair I was bound to have a moustache as if God didn’t make my life difficult enough he gave me a moustache. And you know what the crazy thing was I had a better moustache than my brothers- I still think they had moustache envy. So that sums up my childhood I spent it in books, removing facial/body hair and trying to find ways to make myself attractive whilst dealing with these painful insecurities. I kind of got used to the idea that I would never be able to get the guy I wanted physically. But I was quite a popular kid- again down to my amazing personality or maybe the cool kids just needed me to do their homework.
During university, I finally decided to do something about my weight. Over the summer I lost weight I focused and trained hard and lost the weight. Once I finished university – my beautiful best friend had already been told that she would be getting married so her parents were now on the case to find her a husband. Within the year she was married to a guy a lot older than her but too this day she is happy and still one of my great friends- she has two beautiful kids. Me on the other hand I still was not ready to settle down but my parents had started to discuss the prospect of marriage. I decided that maybe this was the best time to start looking.
During this period I ended up falling for a guy who I knew my family would never be able to accept so I spent a year seeing this guy- a hidden romance. (which I believe many of you have all had) I believe this guy was the only person that truly had real feelings towards me. He cared about me enough to let me go. He told me- I would never ask you to give up your family for me. Eventually I will just be a memory to you and you will forget me. And he was right years have passed and I think back and I truly am glad he has found an amazing girl and is married with a child.
After this emotional experience I decided it was time to move forward there were always guys around I mean come on every girl has guys that are around sniffing but you would never go there even as a last resort. So the semi arranged marriage process started. I was introduced to all of these dating sites. Being from the Asian community people would talk they would make recommendations but within the Asian families there is too much politics and people do not want to see other people ahead. Now I am not trying to be mean or hateful and trust me I cannot talk because I myself am no oil painting- but the calibre of men on these dating sites and their profiles there was a reason why they were single (harsh I know, I apologise)
So here it began the years of dating and speaking to guys upon guys upon guys. Now the first guy I met he was I say this again, the perfect guy- I should have just dated this guy because I truly believe I would have been married with kids and very happy. He was a training GP he was tall dark handsome but he was the first guy I met. In my mind I thought oh don’t worry about it you can do so much better than this guy. He was sad when I told him I didn’t want to meet him again I should have taken that as a hint and stuck it out but no i thought I was Angelina Jolie and could find Brad Pitt – My dad has always said to me- you should always be with someone who wants you more than you want them.
After this my luck in the dating world was set to just be one disastrous occasion after the other. The constant ‘oh you’re so pretty and such a lovely person I cannot believe you are single’ was a consistent and to this day a consistent phrase I hear. There are so many stories I could tell you right now, and my friends who have the unlucky fate of listening to these stories tell me how I should write a book. But who wants to write a book about their failed romances right? Well I am writing a blog piece maybe one day I’ll bring myself to writing a book. I thought my luck was set to change when I met a guy who I was dating for a few months he was a dentist, not the best-looking guy but he was funny then suddenly he turned around and told me he wasn’t into me like he should be but two weeks later told me I would be his biggest regret – but by then it was far too late. When I look back and think about the guys that I met more than two or three times – I really was trying to just settle with anyone that would take me. I realise now that I just wanted to be married and have kids even if this meant being with the wrong person
Now anyone who has or is going through this can truly relate six years of looking for someone on and off it gets tiring. The rejection, the having to reject people gets tiresome. I thought it was all set to change when I met someone naturally on a night out- I knew of him before but I never thought of him in that way- everything seemed to be good but what I realised was that he was interested in companionship but not commitment and this is where I would truly ruin myself. Falling for a guy who was never there and was never ready to give me what I was giving for him. Every time I tried to walk away from me he would tell me it was more than what it was he just had a lot going on but this was for the long run and being the person, I am I would believe in. During the time we would stop speaking I would start trying to date but no one came into my life that I clicked with.
I tried something new I moved to the big smoke – I thought living here would allow me to meet new people it would allow me to meet my prince charming but I was still painfully shy and I found it uncomfortable when guys would approach me so I always ensured I surrounded myself with my guy friends to avoid this. When I would go out to the club or to bars I would get all the attention in the world but I was emotionally unavailable and broken. I was now at the point where I just wanted a guy who was really good looking I just wanted to make the ‘ex’ jealous. It didn’t matter what his personality was like. I am pretty sure I am not the only woman who has thought like this – but this is the worst thing you can do. When you are thinking like that you will never get over your ex because you will always be looking for ways to get one over on him at the cost of your own happiness.
Again, I went and still sometimes do go back to ‘ I am not good enough, Maybe I am supposed to be single, maybe there isn’t someone out there for me’ But of the numerous men that I have met and the 100’s I have spoken to – I never really clicked with any. Yes, there were some who I had a laugh with but really I just didn’t feel anything. But what really these experiences taught me or made me realise is that I never really loved myself. I have always thought that I am not good enough and with the constant rejection, the constant meeting the wrong guys left me wounded and with an extremely low self-esteem. The relationship (if you can call it that) left me even more vulnerable than what I already was because this was now someone I really wanted and even he rejected me.
Being from an Asian background I still constantly get the why are you not married- people in the family now assume I’m either a lesbian or a feminist (who hates men) or both. I am not a lesbian and I am all for woman empowerment but the reality is I haven’t met the right guy. But trying to explain that to first generation Indian aunties and uncles is the more difficult than trying to teach them English. But it was easy in their day they did not have options they met their partners on the wedding day and you just made it work- as my mum would say ‘they learnt to love the other person’
A week ago (the guy who I refer to as the one that ruined me) I finally found the strength to let him go but properly this time- and this time he did the same he told me he feared commitment. At first, I was annoyed hurt and angry because all the times I let him go and he would string me along – but this time he was different. All in all, it made me realise so many of us accept being around for people who do not deserve us. We remain in situations like this because we want to fit in the social norm- we want to get married have kids- we want the life our best friends have (the ones who seem to have everything) We want what everyone has- we let people in who have ulterior motives because we are scared that we will be left on the shelf. This is where we go wrong..
The truth is; you truly need to love yourself and appreciate the beauty of being alive in this moment of time. Being 30 and single in fact being whatever age you are and being single is nothing to be afraid of. And society is changing- people are getting married later having kids later, so you we are not alone. Everyone’s journey in life is different. Having self-love is the most important thing and then everything else follows. My friends often joke to me the stories I can tell of all the guys I have met that I ought to write a book- when you meet so many people you do often question is it you, surely you can’t have been looking for so long and for it not to work. But then as a spiritual woman I truly believe that nothing happens before it’s time. There is someone out there for me and I will not give up the quest to find him no matter how many more trolls I must meet in the interim.

So this is a message to all the women who have been hurt or broken or are feeling the pressures of having to settle down, if this is something you truly want IT WILL HAPPEN. Focus on other aspects of bettering your life- nothing is more attractive than a woman who knows who she is and what she wants therefore be happy and proud of the person you are, Love the person you are for all your flaws. You have made it this far in your journey of life what’s a few more weeks, months even years I mean you cannot put a time limit on a decision you will make for the rest of your life. And when you feel down about all the rejections or the guys you have rejected and the times you have got your heart broken think about this cliché- Life is short! No one knows what will happen in the next minute let alone the next day. So go out and live your life embrace the pain, take the risk but most importantly love life, love yourself and be proud of who you are as you my darling are amazing just the way you are (Bruno mars fan alert) no matter what side of 30 you are  

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