For what felt like five minutes but was probably 3 seconds I stared at him with a new type of depth. It was almost like an out of body experience. I looked and I saw more. I saw our past, the arguments, the fights, the pain, the laughter, the fun, the walks in the park, the slap, the Christmas present, the bruises, the tears, the joy. I saw more than I wanted to and what I did next shocked me.
Seven years ago I met this guy and he blew me away. Asides from the fact he was drop dead gorgeous, he had a wicked smile and great sense of banter. I was on cloud nine when we first started communicating, it was overwhelming and exciting all at the same time.
One faithful Sunday afternoon I sat in my living room with him, a huge oversized jumper on and my ripped jeans and he asked if I would be his. YES! I didn't even think about it.... I was his, he was mine, that was all that mattered.
It was weird because I become oddly obsessed with trying to please him and making him happy. Anything in my capacity to do for him I did. I just wanted it to work... you know like in the movies, or like on Instagram. I wanted us to have that thing - the thing everyone else wanted.
First couple of weeks were fine but then the comments began. Jokes were made a bit too much about my rather chubby stomach, I didn't talk as 'smoothly' as other women apparently and he even made reference to how he found my laugh irritating at times. I listened. I tried to be smoother, eat less, talk less, refine my chuckle... HA!
I was annoyed one day that he didn't call me to inform me our dinner was cancelled. I sat at the table like a lemon waiting and waiting. I remember being furious! In anger I made my way to his apartment, banging on the door, part of me oddly making up excuses for him, hoping he had fallen over and just couldn't get to phone or something.... but he opened (in good health too PHEW!).Her laugh was the type that filled the room, it kind of hit a bass before bouncing neatly note after note... I looked in and saw her seated on the beanie bag... I wanted to cry. My mind did that stupid overload thing and I just had to breath. He asked what I wanted. I asked if he had forgotten about dinner. He said and I quote 'I have already eaten so I just forgot'.
Two days later he calls me asking for a lift somewhere. I arrive 20 mins before the agreed time looking forward to seeing him. I dropped him off at a weird looking block of flats and he told me to wait. I waited for around 2 hours. I kid you not. He came back downstairs, jumped in the car, kissed me and told me to make my way back to the flat. That day he slapped me for asking what he was doing.
There was a huge park opposite where he lived. We would take walks around there from time to time. It was our chance to explore our hopes and dreams, to discuss plans, to open up, to be free and to just do away with any pretence. He told me he wanted it all. He wanted money, to travel, to marry me. We talked about children, babies and pet dogs. One evening after our walk around the park he grabbed my arm and pushed me to the back of his room. Not immediately after the walk, we had a disagreement about the toilet seat being left up. He told me if I should ever tell him how to act in his own home he would put me in a hole.
A few days later he took me to dinner and bought me a purse.
After a two year long relationship I ended it. I had enough of the man I loved sending me conflicting messages.
We were no longer official but I still saw him. One text would melt my heart and a missed call from him brought me joy. I lived off of the poison. This went on for years.
That day I sat on the edge of the bed, after all the flash backs, I got up and laughed. My hoarse, loud laugh came out in full swing and it was accompanied by tears. I call it the day I shed my lining. The day I had enough and finally put me first.
The thing is sometimes you never know when it's going to click, you do not always understand why it is happening and when you're in it you oblivious. I'm not a failure or a loser for going through it, I am human. I know much better now and hindsight can bring it's own collateral beauty.
I am now in the process of healing. I have no answers but I know I am growing...
Love is complex but isn't conflicting. Never confuse the two.
Love does not make you feel worthless.
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