Serbian
Poet and Businessman Dejan Stojanovic claimed, ‘to risk life to
save a smile on a face of a woman or a child is the secret of
chivalry.’ This does not have to be taken quite so literally, as
someone putting oneself in a dire situation for the sake of chivalry,
instead the key to this definition is its symbolic implication –
that is to put a smile on someone’s face without any selfish
motivation behind the act. Before we go any further, the chivalry
that will be discussed is not exclusive to the preconceived exchange
of a man’s actions towards a woman, rather it will be approached as
an un-gendered notion that can be applied to either women or men.
There
are many misconceptions regarding the notion of chivalry and how it
may fit into our societal standing as a culture that is rapidly
evolving its attitudes towards a gender equal social conduct,
especially when it comes to romantic relationships. The original
concept of chivalry dates back to the 12th
century, when the medieval code of conduct was imposed amongst
knights’ and gentlewomens’ social codes. Most notably,
cavalrymen, you know the whole knight and shining armour deal, with a
brave man on horseback who comes to rescues the poor damsel? Well, we
are centuries ahead of that time, so the terminology has become
somewhat of a convoluted notion regarding the manner of how a
gentleman conducts himself toward a woman he is courting. Although
this may be true, it is not singled down to solely this train of
thought – it can be about any individual being chivalrous toward
another, regardless of gender. In our contemporary society, chivalry
should not be subjected to a specific gender dynamic, rather it can
be diversely applied in any relationship, and that does not have to
necessary mean a romantic one, or directed solely from men to women.
Recently
an older colleague expressed his confusion with the notion of
chivalry and how it fits into feminist ideals rather than opposing
the independence and equality women seek. It is simple to see where
the root of this problem comes from. The over-simplified notion that
chivalry is men
holding
doors for women, men
having
to pay the bill, men
having
to pick up and drop off women at their homes, or other preferred
locations. It is the association that men
are
using this as a power play rather than showing respect to their
female counterparts.
As
a feminist, none of these things offend me, as I do not hold only men
to
this respective standard, but everyone I encounter. For example,
making sure someone has safe transport to get home, and if not, doing
something that would ensure this – and vice versa.
More
than anything it is the intention behind the action that reveals
whether one is acting courteous or in fact domineering. This is where
a romantic situation can get tricky, as a man can insist on paying
for the lady he is seeing, however if he sees this as a business
transaction where he expects gratitude in the form of a sexual favour
or does this to make the women feel indebted to him this is wrong and
not chivalrous. In no way should either party stand to gain something
from another for simply making a kind gesture. More accurately the
accumulation of chivalrous gestures should stand to build a strong
foundation of respect between two parties. Equally if someone takes
you home to ensure your safe arrival, this should not require an
exchange. In other words, leaving a lady at her door does not
automatically mean you should or will be invited in. This is where
intention comes into play. If you are only taking someone to their
door for the hope of having sex and on any other occasion would not
mind leaving someone to make their way home alone (when you have the
means to take them), although consciously recognising it could be
unsafe, then this is not chivalrous, this is selfish.
Let
us for a second imagine, chivalry put plainly means ‘a sign of
respect’. Why, is this not what feminists are fighting for? Are we
not as women taking a stand and saying we deserve the same respect as
men, because as people, we are all equal? So then some food for
thought – why shouldn’t chivalry and feminism not co-exist?
The
real problem is the association that only men
can
be chivalrous towards women. As a woman myself I do these things for
my own friends, regardless of whether they are female or male. I do
not see a gender when I am by a door, instead if I come in closer
proximity I choose to open the door for who ever it may be, young,
old, woman, man. I do this as a gesture of respect to other human
beings.
Similarly,
with getting the check sometimes we all have a system, I get the meal
this time, a friend gets it the next, we split 50/50. It’s always a
nice treat to give, or receive a cup of coffee from someone, whether
it’s a work colleague, friend, romantic interest or family member.
These are all small gestures that show care and respect for another
person. Lets even take money out of the equation, have you ever just
picked a flower and given it to a friend, seeing their face light up
with joy. Next time you are out, give a stranger a smile. Tell
someone to have a lovely day. Compliment them. Exchange a nice wish
or light-hearted joke on occasion and this will only spread
positivity to others surrounding you. Who knows, you could even make
their day. This is kindness, a small pick-me-up. Write a poem, draw,
paint, comes up with a song, use your creative talents to show
someone you care, regardless of gender or type of relationship. The
greatest signs of affection are born out of thoughtfulness.
Brilliant and well put together
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