I Thought I Found The One...

You know after all those disastrous dates and rejections, I thought finally I had found the one. We used to work together funnily enough and reconnected on a dating site- he made me believe it was fate. It was a world wind romance he showed me and made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. It was massively intense in all aspects physically, emotionally and spiritually. I thought this was it and I guess in his head so did he. I involved my family in the situation because within a few weeks I had decided that this was the guy I wanted to marry. He was giving me everything. I was finally free of the f***boy who ruined my life for the past two years and now I truly believed I had found a good guy someone who was misunderstood, who I would save from the cruel world who I would build a partnership with. 
Ladies, we have all been there right where we think that we can save men from the pain they are going through. We overlook the red flags, the threats of break up, the egg shells we walk on because we don’t want to disturb the peace, the comparisons made between you and other women they have been with, the times you compromise what you want to do because you want to make him happy, or the fact he stops making effort and you constantly are the one chasing him. In his head he is happy with how things are going and makes you feel like he does not need to make effort because he’s so confident he can get another woman (but you can get a another guy but he’s slowly chipping away at your self-worth that you start believing you’re not as great as you truly are) – you even question is there someone else; he’s cheated before, but that’s the time he told you about in his previous relationship – so what about the number of times he has not told you about- but you stay in this situation even if it’s a few months, because you feel like you found the one and you’re still searching for the guy that you first met in the initial weeks who was obsessed who showed you something you never saw before.
When you’re at wits end you walk away but you hope he will fight for you, but he doesn’t because even before you got together he told you he never goes back the countless times he had warned you not to ‘mess this up’ You think something really bad must have happened to him in the past for him to be the way he is. You try to understand him because that’s what us good women do. We try and make excuses for people’s bad behaviour towards us. You may be the perfect girl (hell you could be the most beautiful woman in the world) but his ego and his pride will not let him be with someone who was so good for him in his deluded mind he has a god complex and continues to be spiteful and blames you for the downfall of the relationship not prepared to admit his mistakes, he shows that he doesn’t care that this situation meant nothing to him and that you’re the crazy one to still be hurting. You question in that moment did anything he ever feel was any of it real?
He tells you that you are too sensitive and that he is realistic – well him claiming he’s practical translate into someone who is heartless- he felt hurt when we broke up instead of understanding why he just wanted to be spiteful and hurt you. You can be with someone for years or for a few weeks or months it doesn’t matter sometimes it just hurts a lot regardless of the length of time. The intensity of the relationship the dreams you have the previous experiences you have had these all contribute to the pain. I sit here and think I broke up with him, but it feels like he broke up with me. I cry and mourn my relationship and he tells me I should be over it by now – visibly seeing I am upset what normal human being would say that to someone- especially when you are still claiming you care for them.
Even though the right thing to do is move on and let go because there is no going back you know he will never come back- the pride the ego the previous experiences will not allow him to return so you feel crazy. You relate to the intro of Selena Gomezs song- “But I didn’t realise that I am feeling so confident, Feeling so great about myself, and then it just to be completely shattered by one thing by something so stupid- but then you make me feel crazy- you make me feel like it’s my fault” You’re hurting immensely and battling against your head and your heart- you know logically he was not the right one but the heart just wants him to come back and be the perfect guy you imagined him to be.
You know the sad thing is- that I was willing to accept his behaviour because I am so tired of the process of trying to find this guy who everyone keeps telling me that is out there. The guy who is going to love me, see past all my flaws and accept me. So even though he was spiteful hurtful and portrayed every sign of someone who didn’t care and that I was no one I still wanted him to accept me because who wants to be lonely. My low self esteem my level of confidence that at the beginning was so sky high and that he destroyed even more was forcing me to accept this – and you know whose to blame- Me.
My Family, My friends who are family tell me you done nothing wrong – and these are people who will tell me the truth, regardless because it’s better to hurt someone with the truth than comfort them with a lie- but you still question what did I do so wrong for him to pull away and when you took the decision something you thought he wanted you to do he becomes this horrible person.
I am saying to you ladies that it is okay to feel pain, even if you dated for a short time or a long time it does not matter – it’s okay to feel sad and mourn a relationship that you thought was going to be the rest of your life. It’s okay to feel heartbroken at the fact you’ve had awful luck in the past and then you met someone who you thought was the one and even though there were red flags that he was controlling insecure and had some narcissistic tendencies you chose to ignore them because you were caught up on the idea of what it could have been rather than who he was. You sit there wondering whether he ever really cared or loved you or whether any of this mattered. But you remind yourself that a cold hearted spiteful human being will only realise when it is too late he may use temporary measures to fill the void speaking to other girls distracting himself but in this situation, I truly believe I was the best person to have ever come into his life what I provided him he will never receive that from anyone else. He will never get someone fiercely independent, family orientated, financially stable, attractive, outgoing fun loving caring and someone who truly gives everything to a relationship even at her own expense- someone through all his flaws actually loved him- who actually seen the person who recognised he was broken himself and needed saving but was not willing to let me save him with my love.
This made me realise that you can only save yourself – sometimes we need help guidance we need someone to show us direction but when push comes to shove you got to save yourself.
So I ask myself why do women like me put ourselves in situations and stay in them when we know these men are no good. Self esteem is the main issue- we do not think much of ourselves and that’s why we settle for less than we deserve. I let someone ruin my life for 2 whole years a guy that kept me in limbo and although I can sit here and blame him for everything the reality it is I am to blame in this too I let him. I let my good nature, my hope and my tendency to try and find good in everyone blind me into thinking one day he will change and he will realise. After two years of the back and fourth he did finally tell me that he did and still does care but he didn’t want a relationship even though he’s back with his ex now and well things will never change they will always make up to break up. And I feel sorry for her not knowing or knowing that he is just a liar and a cheat and only cares about himself. And she is probably like me, like you, like the rest of us she probably believes he loves her and is giving her a half hearted relationship and she is willing to accept that because she is naive or she is happy with the situation. Back then I used to think it was all to do with the way I look but this current guy who I am hurting over made me realise it wasn’t – I have everything that a guy would want but I choose to settle and go for guys who do not deserve me. I am not just saying this to make myself feel better but it’s the truth. He will continue to fail in his relationships because he needs someone who is a robot who will submit to his demands who will stroke his ego and slave around for him- Someone who he will convince himself is doing wrong, so it will justify his behaviour, so I guess I made a lucky escape (as everyone who loves me keeps telling me) so why does it not feel that way?
I was crying constantly, googling reasons as to why he behaved the way he behaved. He told me he cares about me but someone who cares would check up on you right they would see if you are okay and see if everything is fine. I have a tub of mixed emotions I am angry at myself for not seeing the warning signs and choosing to ignore them but then I am hurting because I don’t know why I feel the way I am feeling knowing I made a lucky escape. I guess it’s the need of validation the need of wanting to know if I really mattered to him. If someone wants to be your friend after a relationship they would make effort they would not just let you walk away so easily or push you away. Maybe in the end he wanted me to end it but then why react in such a way- maybe he never expected me to end it and just put up with his behaviour only he knows the answer to why he done what he did. He was so used to having someone around him all the time where he never needed to make effort and with me it was different- but instead of trying to make me stay he just kept me around until he figured out what to do again assumptions only he knows what he felt and thought.
I extended my hand of friendship and you know what I got in return – hardly anything friendship to me is someone you converse with, someone you have banter with, someone who is there through the good and bad, friendship is the family you choose. He would never be any of these things, but I still was not ready to let go. I realised from his responses he did not want friendship at all. That was his way of keeping me around when he wants me, but he holds a grudge. For the time he probably has someone around that he can keep busy and occupy his time with- but even he knows he will eventually tire. So all over again it hurt the fact he doesn’t want anything – he’s proved to me that he really is a cold hearted coward.
You know I went around in a circle again- I ended up conversing with the first guy – something we tend to do fall back into old patterns. I was hurting so bad that I went to seek comfort from someone who had hurt me previously. It’s easy when you are hurting, and you have no idea what to do to run back to something familiar to seek validation. I questioned why did you want to remain friends with me- he had nothing to gain or loose and told me ‘because regardless of anything you are a good person, so why wouldn’t I want good people in my life’.

So now I’m back to square one- the wrong side of 30 still searching for the right guy- maybe there is no right guy- maybe I am supposed to be on my own. I mean it might be the case that there is not someone for everyone. But still I have hope in my heart that there’s someone who is like me- who has a good heart who is loving caring who enjoys the simple things in life who encourages and supports me and vice versa. Ladies, if you’re single and going through something similar trust me there is someone who is having the same s*** luck you are and is tired and wanting to give up but he will come eventually- don’t close your heart to people, do not become a robot like the guy I described life is about love and kindness- it’s about being happy and making those around you happy. It’s about being you – and not changing for anyone because you my love are beautiful and amazing just the way you are.  

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